ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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