forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
