Swine flu. Run for my life!
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
