Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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