is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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