matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
