Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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