I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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