my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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