and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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