I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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