I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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