I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
