i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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