I feel great
I just peed on a car
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
4 words: hood of his car
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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