Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
