i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Alive.
So much puke
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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