Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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