Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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