I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize