sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
