Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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