i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize