and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
