Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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