Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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