i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
