dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
