At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I could make wine with my vomit
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
