U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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