I faked an abortion last night.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
