i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
