i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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