I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
