My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize