He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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