I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
