Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
