he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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