So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize