God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize