I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
