Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I wish you could order shots online.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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