DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We have so much sex to catch up on
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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