My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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