Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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