you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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