He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
