hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
