she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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