Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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