worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I need a beard to bite.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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