cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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