In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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