but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
