gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize