Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
