Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
