"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
