I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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