Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
