so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
