I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
