Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
