i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
